Hollly shittt...
no dinner,
diet can of starbucks espresso+one coca cola+tortilla chips+disgusting 7 layer dip with greasy ground beef+like 6 dark chocolate whitman chocolate sampler things+dollar tree peanut butter cups+energizer medicine==barfing at 6am and intense heartburn.
before that... weird day. thai food and one beer and mocha at logan's, taking a nap at m's but smell of cat pee everywhere.
I CANNOT WAIT TO GO HOME.

Christmas is such a weird time. I have complicated feelings about it. In one sense... I hate it and can never wait for it to be over. I feel like Christmas is one of those times when it's really obvious if your family is "normal" or not-- there is lots of pressure... and the indication of normality is whatever ritual, but really it just seems to come down to money-- who can afford to see their family, whose family has enough money to send nice gifts. Which mine doesn't. Then I get mad and compare myself to other's and feel sorry for myself. Then I work in a homeless shelter and see what's really important.

It's hard to outgrow the little girl inside of me, excited by everything, but also greedy and materialistic and jealous.

Weird conversation with Logan today about his parent's not buying me something... like it means anything. I am obsessed with the idea of being "unwanted"--and I try to prove it all the time, by the smallest actions of others.

I read The Other Boleyn Girl Tonight. And now I am feeling frightened. Yesterday and today I knew Logan and I would hang out, it's the holidays. After this, I don't know.

I feel embarrassed, all the time, about how I've behaved.



God, mostly though... I just feel really sick and still have heartburn. Or I guess acid reflex. I don't know. 40 minutes.

Haven't heard from L all night. Wonder if he had other plans? Realized we don't see each other or talk much now... maybe it's sinking in that we're broken up. Don't want it to be. Wish I didn't feel sick. I hope the drive home goes okay. I'm reminded of the horrible times in college i would stay up all night and I was so sick all the time for various reasons. I'm getting too old to be like this. Need some dignity! Some class! Some grace!

It's never too late, right? And things will be okay, right? I hate the idea of living in a time that I won't really be able to understand until it's gone by... doing and saying things that later I will know were probably the wrong things to do or say. But I don't have that clarity now.