A Wolf at the Table

I just finished A Wolf at the Table. I've been googling my dad's name and e-mail address and the name of his girlfriend with the words "New Mexico" or "Santa Fe" or their names and any combination of information about them that I know. Nothing comes up except for two posts by him on two different message boards, from 2006 and 2008, looking for some used auto parts. A third forum post by him is asking for a picture of Christ healing a deaf person. I guess I have to get this sorted out. This step-dad/dad thing. Whenever M brings up my dad she brings up the fact that maybe I will regret not talking to him and it makes me feel extremely angry. But tonight, on Christmas, when L told me he was leaving an hour before I thought he was going to, I dissolved into a huge sobbing mess for an hour, saying things like "no one cares about me." That is embarrassing when it is typed out. I have to figure some of this stuff out.

Hollly shittt...
no dinner,
diet can of starbucks espresso+one coca cola+tortilla chips+disgusting 7 layer dip with greasy ground beef+like 6 dark chocolate whitman chocolate sampler things+dollar tree peanut butter cups+energizer medicine==barfing at 6am and intense heartburn.
before that... weird day. thai food and one beer and mocha at logan's, taking a nap at m's but smell of cat pee everywhere.
I CANNOT WAIT TO GO HOME.

Christmas is such a weird time. I have complicated feelings about it. In one sense... I hate it and can never wait for it to be over. I feel like Christmas is one of those times when it's really obvious if your family is "normal" or not-- there is lots of pressure... and the indication of normality is whatever ritual, but really it just seems to come down to money-- who can afford to see their family, whose family has enough money to send nice gifts. Which mine doesn't. Then I get mad and compare myself to other's and feel sorry for myself. Then I work in a homeless shelter and see what's really important.

It's hard to outgrow the little girl inside of me, excited by everything, but also greedy and materialistic and jealous.

Weird conversation with Logan today about his parent's not buying me something... like it means anything. I am obsessed with the idea of being "unwanted"--and I try to prove it all the time, by the smallest actions of others.

I read The Other Boleyn Girl Tonight. And now I am feeling frightened. Yesterday and today I knew Logan and I would hang out, it's the holidays. After this, I don't know.

I feel embarrassed, all the time, about how I've behaved.



God, mostly though... I just feel really sick and still have heartburn. Or I guess acid reflex. I don't know. 40 minutes.

Haven't heard from L all night. Wonder if he had other plans? Realized we don't see each other or talk much now... maybe it's sinking in that we're broken up. Don't want it to be. Wish I didn't feel sick. I hope the drive home goes okay. I'm reminded of the horrible times in college i would stay up all night and I was so sick all the time for various reasons. I'm getting too old to be like this. Need some dignity! Some class! Some grace!

It's never too late, right? And things will be okay, right? I hate the idea of living in a time that I won't really be able to understand until it's gone by... doing and saying things that later I will know were probably the wrong things to do or say. But I don't have that clarity now.

I haven't written anything in this blog for a long time.

It's Christmas Eve Eve. I haven't done anything for the holidays this year. It's felt kind of great. Also, detached.

Lately I've been thinking I wish I could not belong to facebook, not text message, not have a cell phone, without being totally left out of things. Without missing something. It's not worth it to me to give that part of it up, because all of my peers have it/the world has it. I just wish I could go back to speaking. Making plans ahead of time and then showing up. Can you imagine that? Walking into a place to meet someone without saying "I'm on my way" or "are you there?" over text.

This year was incredibly fucking weird.

My grandma died, I met my dad, I quit my job, Logan and I broke up, I drove across the country. Among many many other things. I'm not sure what I've learned. I know that I grew a lot from my job. The saddest part about being broken up with Logan is I don't say "I love you" to him anymore because I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do with a lot of what happened this year.

Mary, Amanda, and I went to the coast for the lunar eclipse/winter solstice. We made an altar. We wrote down things we wanted to get rid of and leave behind. We burned herbs. We burned our pieces of paper. We wrote down things we wanted and burned them to. We asked for things and got them. We remembered the power of positive thinking/visualization/asking for what you want.

The eclipse was so beautiful. We stared at the moon as it disappeared until our eyes burned. I went back into the yurt and read TS Eliot for comfort. When I came out the moon was completely gone. An hour later, it was completely full again. I fell asleep to the sound of the ocean, and I could see the once again full moon shining down from the sky light.

Every winter I get really really depressed and this one is much harder because of the break-up.

I think that everything will be okay.