I haven't written anything in this blog for a long time.

It's Christmas Eve Eve. I haven't done anything for the holidays this year. It's felt kind of great. Also, detached.

Lately I've been thinking I wish I could not belong to facebook, not text message, not have a cell phone, without being totally left out of things. Without missing something. It's not worth it to me to give that part of it up, because all of my peers have it/the world has it. I just wish I could go back to speaking. Making plans ahead of time and then showing up. Can you imagine that? Walking into a place to meet someone without saying "I'm on my way" or "are you there?" over text.

This year was incredibly fucking weird.

My grandma died, I met my dad, I quit my job, Logan and I broke up, I drove across the country. Among many many other things. I'm not sure what I've learned. I know that I grew a lot from my job. The saddest part about being broken up with Logan is I don't say "I love you" to him anymore because I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do with a lot of what happened this year.

Mary, Amanda, and I went to the coast for the lunar eclipse/winter solstice. We made an altar. We wrote down things we wanted to get rid of and leave behind. We burned herbs. We burned our pieces of paper. We wrote down things we wanted and burned them to. We asked for things and got them. We remembered the power of positive thinking/visualization/asking for what you want.

The eclipse was so beautiful. We stared at the moon as it disappeared until our eyes burned. I went back into the yurt and read TS Eliot for comfort. When I came out the moon was completely gone. An hour later, it was completely full again. I fell asleep to the sound of the ocean, and I could see the once again full moon shining down from the sky light.

Every winter I get really really depressed and this one is much harder because of the break-up.

I think that everything will be okay.

i miss what never was.

list of things i don't want to do

1. check my bank account balance.

2. go to the airport on wednesday at 5:30am.

3. figure out how to get to the airport.

4. go to my grandma's funeral.

5. go to work tomorrow.

6. go to work on saturday.

7. get up in the morning.

list of things i want:

1. to smoke a cigarette.

2. to stay in bed.

coming home songs

Songs with lyrics about coming home and forgiveness are extra poignant to me, for whatever reason.

Pedro the Lion-Of Minor Prophets and Their Prostitute Wives

Bright Eyes-First Day of My Life

are both good "coming home" songs..

I like M. Ward's Poison Cup, because I thought the lyrics said "I'll forgive you everything" which I thought was the most amazing sentiment. Apparently he's actually saying "I'm gonna give you everything" which isn't as good.

There's also Phantom Planet-West Coast.

Anyways, imaginary readers, use lala and listen to those. And pay attention to the lines about coming home. And understand what I'm talking about and feel the same way.

patterns

Kepler's self-authored epitaph:
Mensus eram coelos, nunc terrae metior umbras
Mens coelestis erat, corporis umbra iacet.
I measured the skies, now the shadows I measure
Skybound was the mind, earthbound the body rests.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snell%27s_law
http://herz-fischler.ca/ARTICLES/articles.html
http://www.lumen.nu/rekveld/wp/?page_id=340
http://thefloatinglibrary.com/2009/02/13/a-new-refutation-of-time-selections-j-l-borges/

grotto party oscars

I worked from 8-1:30 on Saturday, after not much sleep on Friday. Afterwards I walked around Hawthorne in the sunshine and went to the Red Light to search for a costume. Logan met me there and I took him to Broder for a date. Broder is adorably Scandinavian... all the servers were stylish and they played Belle and Sebastian and things like that from someone's iphone, at one point during a song it received a text message.
Afterwards I drove us like a lunatic to the Grotto, stressed out in the parking lot over details, eventually went in. We walked around and read about the saints and Logan took pictures of flowers.
Party afterwards, Sunday brunch, nap, TV watching.