Thursday, January 21, 2010

etc

Some cool stuff has happened! But I haven't been putting it in here.

Things:
went to the art museum!
ate at ladybug restaurant in st johns!
ate at proper eats in st johns!
saw up in the air!
saw youth in revolt!
went on a city walk from the book portland city walks (with my cute drunk boyfriend)!
have been reading 'eating animals'!
have been going out to bars and having fun

Monday, January 18, 2010

lamebook

Well, this past week I have found my dad (who I haven't spoken to since 1989) and my ex-stepdad (who I haven't seen since 1999) on facebook. It was a shock seeing pictures of my dad for the first time in twenty years.
Seeing my stepdad after so long made me feel kind of stupid about my weird stupid issues that I have been blaming him about for so long. Facebook just makes everyone (even your estranged family) seem like any old dude. He's just some dude that is a fan of "sleeping in tents" and "slapping dick cheney", and this is the person I've let ruin so much of my life, YEARS after even living with him or knowing him. He was this weird phantom/creator of my neuroses... facebook really shrunk him down to size for me.

Also, finding estranged family on that website has made me reevaluate putting my pictures and stuff like that on there. I think it would be better to be a lot more removed than I am. I guess if you're actually removed from stuff you don't talk about it anymore.

Weird week though. As far as facebook stalking men that fucked me up as a child and then bailed.

Friday, January 8, 2010

sometimes breaking taboos make life feel a little easier.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I want to go to Paris.

endgame

The protagonists of the play are Hamm, an aged master who is blind and not able to stand up, and his servant Clov, who cannot sit down. They exist in a tiny house by the sea, although the dialogue suggests that there is nothing left outside—no sea, no sun, no clouds. The two characters, mutually dependent, have been fighting for years and continue to do so as the play progresses. Clov always wants to leave but never seems to be able. Also present are Hamm's legless parents Nagg and Nell, who live in rubbish bins downstage and initially request food or argue inanely.

"Beckett's favorite line in the play is Hamm's deduction from Clov's observation that Nagg is crying: 'Then he's living.' But in Berlin he felt that the most important sentence is Nell's 'Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.' And he directed his play to show the fun of unhappiness."

http://www.samuel-beckett.net/hugill.html

The implication in the play is that the characters live in an unchanging, static state. Each day contains the actions and reactions of the day before, until each event takes on an almost ritualistic quality. It is made clear, through the text, that the characters have a past. However, there is no indication that they may have a future.

I broke my resolution. Everything I wrote about is a big joke. Sam said a long time ago if you're not having a good time you're doing something wrong. It's easy to write that off and say, maybe life isn't that simple. But, fuck-- it should be. I am doing something wrong.
Sade has a new song that I'm listening to for the first time as I write this and I like it.


Did you ever hear that Peter and the Wolf song Strange Machines? I can't find it anywhere but it's a good one. "Life could be so easy, why do you have to make it so hard... what strange machines we are" it says. Basically.


What do I want?
To travel and feel free. To spontaneously take a train somewhere and to sleep in a field. I've been reading about Kepler and I love him and I want to talk excitedly about him and try and listen to the planets as they orbit the sun. You know?

From the Mahabharata, Book Sixteen: Tell me what is good for me. I am a wanderer with a hollow heart.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Whatever happens is a sign of something that will happen.
-Seneca