Today I had a follow-up appointment with my naturopath. She said she had a few remedies in mind but she had a few questions first. She said this after I had been there for fifteen minutes..I thought my appointment was thirty minutes long, and that we were halfway through.
She asked, "What are your fears?" I can't remember what I said. Something like "saying the wrong thing?" probably. Or, you know, "having a worthless life?" She asked, "What are your interests and hobbies?" I said reading, literature, poetry, music, traveling, culture. "Why are they important to you?" Um.. because they express different ways of life, different experiences, they capture one moment or one feeling and create meaning (and stuff, I guess)...? She continued with stuff like: How do you feel about animals? Have you had any experiences with homesickness? Tell me about that. Was there anything in your childhood that was particiularly difficult? With every answer she would ask, "And what is the worst part about that?"
(I'm saying this to a woman I have only met one time before. I am sitting across the desk from her, she's staring at her laptop screen and typing. I've started staring at the floor and speaking more quickly and softly. I'm pausing to say "I don't know" and ending my sentences as questions. In between my answers I sit for a minute or more while she stares at the screen and then asks me another question.)
After two hours she decided on a mineral remedy: Calcarea Carbonica, or Calcium Carbonate. When I got home I typed "calcium carbanate homeopathy" into google and found the most insane website ever. It just has a huge index of ailments that can be treated with calcium carbonate, that sort of reads like a James Joyce poem from hell.
For example:
Same disagreeable idea always arouses from light slumber
Starts at every noise; fears that she will go crazy
Horrid visions when opening eyes
Ideas crowding in her mind prevent sleep
generalities; sensitive; intolerance of clothing;
cough; when playing music; playing piano; ;
mind; emotions, feelings, attitude, disposition;
boredom, dissatisfaction (see loathing of life); weary of life
(see boredom, dissatisfaction, loathing, etc.); while perspiring; ;
mind; desires, wants; desires to be mesmerised;
mind; emotions, feelings, attitude, disposition; sensitive,
oversensitive; horrible things, sad stories, affect her profoundly;
Other websites were simpler and said things like "flabby, sour smelling."
Maybe it's all bullshit (I don't really think that) but I've been in a tired and crappy mood since then (sad stories affect her profoundly). I've been focusing on this quote--“The strangest and most fantastic fact about negative emotions is that people actually worship them.” (P.D. Ouspensky)--and you know, trying not to do that. ESPECIALLY because I want to focus on doing stuff and stuff I like, not my mind; emotions, feelings, attitude, disposition; unhappy; sadness, mental depression;.
So after my appointment I made roasted autumn vegetable soup that ended up looking like turnip puke. Then I skipped my Spanish class and then I was mean to my sick boyfriend. Then I got in my car and had about six drags from a red Fantasia and listened to Robyn and drove to work. Now I'm sitting here drinking coffee and thinking the TS ELiot line from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock in my head over and over again--
"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."
I went to see Joey Comeau and Zack Vandezande read from their books at Reading Frenzy. There was free beer and I was right next to the beer table, so I got a little tipsy. After the reading when Joey Comeau was signing my book I said things like "I had to wait a long time" and "I drank the free beer" and he said "feeling a little goofy eh?" He also said that maybe he had a speech impediment and not a Canadian accent. Zach Vandezande read some short stories that are on his blog and then he read from his book.... I LOVED his short stories a lot.
