heartbroke

Songs kind of about walking.

2008 & 2010

A Wolf at the Table

I just finished A Wolf at the Table. I've been googling my dad's name and e-mail address and the name of his girlfriend with the words "New Mexico" or "Santa Fe" or their names and any combination of information about them that I know. Nothing comes up except for two posts by him on two different message boards, from 2006 and 2008, looking for some used auto parts. A third forum post by him is asking for a picture of Christ healing a deaf person. I guess I have to get this sorted out. This step-dad/dad thing. Whenever M brings up my dad she brings up the fact that maybe I will regret not talking to him and it makes me feel extremely angry. But tonight, on Christmas, when L told me he was leaving an hour before I thought he was going to, I dissolved into a huge sobbing mess for an hour, saying things like "no one cares about me." That is embarrassing when it is typed out. I have to figure some of this stuff out.

Hollly shittt...
no dinner,
diet can of starbucks espresso+one coca cola+tortilla chips+disgusting 7 layer dip with greasy ground beef+like 6 dark chocolate whitman chocolate sampler things+dollar tree peanut butter cups+energizer medicine==barfing at 6am and intense heartburn.
before that... weird day. thai food and one beer and mocha at logan's, taking a nap at m's but smell of cat pee everywhere.
I CANNOT WAIT TO GO HOME.

Christmas is such a weird time. I have complicated feelings about it. In one sense... I hate it and can never wait for it to be over. I feel like Christmas is one of those times when it's really obvious if your family is "normal" or not-- there is lots of pressure... and the indication of normality is whatever ritual, but really it just seems to come down to money-- who can afford to see their family, whose family has enough money to send nice gifts. Which mine doesn't. Then I get mad and compare myself to other's and feel sorry for myself. Then I work in a homeless shelter and see what's really important.

It's hard to outgrow the little girl inside of me, excited by everything, but also greedy and materialistic and jealous.

Weird conversation with Logan today about his parent's not buying me something... like it means anything. I am obsessed with the idea of being "unwanted"--and I try to prove it all the time, by the smallest actions of others.

I read The Other Boleyn Girl Tonight. And now I am feeling frightened. Yesterday and today I knew Logan and I would hang out, it's the holidays. After this, I don't know.

I feel embarrassed, all the time, about how I've behaved.



God, mostly though... I just feel really sick and still have heartburn. Or I guess acid reflex. I don't know. 40 minutes.

Haven't heard from L all night. Wonder if he had other plans? Realized we don't see each other or talk much now... maybe it's sinking in that we're broken up. Don't want it to be. Wish I didn't feel sick. I hope the drive home goes okay. I'm reminded of the horrible times in college i would stay up all night and I was so sick all the time for various reasons. I'm getting too old to be like this. Need some dignity! Some class! Some grace!

It's never too late, right? And things will be okay, right? I hate the idea of living in a time that I won't really be able to understand until it's gone by... doing and saying things that later I will know were probably the wrong things to do or say. But I don't have that clarity now.

I haven't written anything in this blog for a long time.

It's Christmas Eve Eve. I haven't done anything for the holidays this year. It's felt kind of great. Also, detached.

Lately I've been thinking I wish I could not belong to facebook, not text message, not have a cell phone, without being totally left out of things. Without missing something. It's not worth it to me to give that part of it up, because all of my peers have it/the world has it. I just wish I could go back to speaking. Making plans ahead of time and then showing up. Can you imagine that? Walking into a place to meet someone without saying "I'm on my way" or "are you there?" over text.

This year was incredibly fucking weird.

My grandma died, I met my dad, I quit my job, Logan and I broke up, I drove across the country. Among many many other things. I'm not sure what I've learned. I know that I grew a lot from my job. The saddest part about being broken up with Logan is I don't say "I love you" to him anymore because I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do with a lot of what happened this year.

Mary, Amanda, and I went to the coast for the lunar eclipse/winter solstice. We made an altar. We wrote down things we wanted to get rid of and leave behind. We burned herbs. We burned our pieces of paper. We wrote down things we wanted and burned them to. We asked for things and got them. We remembered the power of positive thinking/visualization/asking for what you want.

The eclipse was so beautiful. We stared at the moon as it disappeared until our eyes burned. I went back into the yurt and read TS Eliot for comfort. When I came out the moon was completely gone. An hour later, it was completely full again. I fell asleep to the sound of the ocean, and I could see the once again full moon shining down from the sky light.

Every winter I get really really depressed and this one is much harder because of the break-up.

I think that everything will be okay.

i miss what never was.

list of things i don't want to do

1. check my bank account balance.

2. go to the airport on wednesday at 5:30am.

3. figure out how to get to the airport.

4. go to my grandma's funeral.

5. go to work tomorrow.

6. go to work on saturday.

7. get up in the morning.

list of things i want:

1. to smoke a cigarette.

2. to stay in bed.

coming home songs

Songs with lyrics about coming home and forgiveness are extra poignant to me, for whatever reason.

Pedro the Lion-Of Minor Prophets and Their Prostitute Wives

Bright Eyes-First Day of My Life

are both good "coming home" songs..

I like M. Ward's Poison Cup, because I thought the lyrics said "I'll forgive you everything" which I thought was the most amazing sentiment. Apparently he's actually saying "I'm gonna give you everything" which isn't as good.

There's also Phantom Planet-West Coast.

Anyways, imaginary readers, use lala and listen to those. And pay attention to the lines about coming home. And understand what I'm talking about and feel the same way.

patterns

Kepler's self-authored epitaph:
Mensus eram coelos, nunc terrae metior umbras
Mens coelestis erat, corporis umbra iacet.
I measured the skies, now the shadows I measure
Skybound was the mind, earthbound the body rests.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snell%27s_law
http://herz-fischler.ca/ARTICLES/articles.html
http://www.lumen.nu/rekveld/wp/?page_id=340
http://thefloatinglibrary.com/2009/02/13/a-new-refutation-of-time-selections-j-l-borges/

grotto party oscars

I worked from 8-1:30 on Saturday, after not much sleep on Friday. Afterwards I walked around Hawthorne in the sunshine and went to the Red Light to search for a costume. Logan met me there and I took him to Broder for a date. Broder is adorably Scandinavian... all the servers were stylish and they played Belle and Sebastian and things like that from someone's iphone, at one point during a song it received a text message.
Afterwards I drove us like a lunatic to the Grotto, stressed out in the parking lot over details, eventually went in. We walked around and read about the saints and Logan took pictures of flowers.
Party afterwards, Sunday brunch, nap, TV watching.

i miss la playa!

hoy

all over the place today.

great day! brunch, birthday hats and cakes, piano playing, game of hearts at the waypost, friends, cranium, tons of laughing and sunshine.

plus fighting with logan and no sleep.

was asking about my theme at brunch and someone suggested y2k, generator jokes. i didn't say anything. thought about earl when i was laying in bed, the layout of that house. thought about how scared i was all the time. living in a house full of loaded guns. including one in the car and one under the bed. wanted a hug. kept thinking logan was coming up the stairs but it was always my roommates. blahblahblah.

found carla morrison. obsessed with her. thought in spanish a little today. talked a lot in spanish yesterday.

beautiful day, beautiful sky. clear night.

gushing happiness

This weekend L and I stayed in a bed and breakfast right outside of Mt Rainier National Park.
It was incredibly relaxing and reinvigorating. The place was perfect. Perks of a hotel (restaurant, maid service, sense of anonymity) but with a homey common area and yard that made it feel like I was on vacation at my grandparents.
It was nice being lifted out of our daily routine, and remembering how good we are together, no matter where we are.
It gave us the peace and quiet and privacy that I've been craving, so we could have some really amazing heart to hearts. We were able to talk about things that we've needed to talk about for about a year. And even before the heart-to-hearts, I had such a good time getting drunk together and having rambling and enthusiastic conversations.

I kept telling my brain to memorize what it was like to stand in the sun and look at the mountains and trees. So when the day-to-day gets to me I can go back there.

Bursting with epiphanies all weekend: about my childhood, being an adult now, my future as a nudist, the negative thoughts that creep into my brain. The barbed wire I wrap my feelings in.

A supreme tranquility washed over my soul. I know I can't keep it, but I hope recording it helps.

I'm going to stop cutting my hair.

I've decided on a wildly ambitious Lent.
This Lent I am giving up chocolate and lattes in to-go cups. And I have to not use my car one day a week. And I have to do the couch potato to 5k program.
OHMYGODCANTWAITTILEASTER

february

I turned my computer on to write something, but I've just been looking at facebook.

I felt a lot today. And thought of lots of things I wanted to write down. Now trying to look back and remember...

I've been feeling depressed, horrible... in a rut. Staying in bed. Being mean.

And now I feel better.

It's like that, I guess. Ups and downs.

Today was beautiful. Sunny, some rain, warm. It's an awkward time of year. I saw some tiny little blossoms poking up out of the dirt today. And then drove passed a house that still had Christmas lights on.

Spring!, but the Winter Reminder. Light at the end of the tunnel. Time for resolutions. New resolutions, all the time. New Resolutions All the Time that I always Mean. That I will Keep.

Sophie suggested that I write about the dad-facebook thing so instead I signed up to work eight days in a row. Home at midnight, back to work by 8am. No time..

The transition to confessional blog from "keep track of fun activities I'm doing!" was pretty short. But I'm okay with that.