tiny tears

heartbroke

2011-01-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

Songs kind of about walking.

2011-01-11T23:13:00.000-08:00

2008 & 2010

2011-01-07T06:49:00.001-08:00

A Wolf at the Table

2010-12-26T00:53:00.000-08:00

I just finished A Wolf at the Table. I've been googling my dad's name and e-mail address and the name of his girlfriend with the words "New Mexico" or "Santa Fe" or their names and any combination of information about them that I know. Nothing comes up except for two posts by him on two different message boards, from 2006 and 2008, looking for some used auto parts. A third forum post by him is asking for a picture of Christ healing a deaf person. I guess I have to get this sorted out. This step-dad/dad thing. Whenever M brings up my dad she brings up the fact that maybe I will regret not talking to him and it makes me feel extremely angry. But tonight, on Christmas, when L told me he was leaving an hour before I thought he was going to, I dissolved into a huge sobbing mess for an hour, saying things like "no one cares about me." That is embarrassing when it is typed out. I have to figure some of this stuff out.

2010-12-25T06:15:00.001-08:00

Hollly shittt...
no dinner,
diet can of starbucks espresso+one coca cola+tortilla chips+disgusting 7 layer dip with greasy ground beef+like 6 dark chocolate whitman chocolate sampler things+dollar tree peanut butter cups+energizer medicine==barfing at 6am and intense heartburn.
before that... weird day. thai food and one beer and mocha at logan's, taking a nap at m's but smell of cat pee everywhere.
I CANNOT WAIT TO GO HOME.

Christmas is such a weird time. I have complicated feelings about it. In one sense... I hate it and can never wait for it to be over. I feel like Christmas is one of those times when it's really obvious if your family is "normal" or not-- there is lots of pressure... and the indication of normality is whatever ritual, but really it just seems to come down to money-- who can afford to see their family, whose family has enough money to send nice gifts. Which mine doesn't. Then I get mad and compare myself to other's and feel sorry for myself. Then I work in a homeless shelter and see what's really important.

It's hard to outgrow the little girl inside of me, excited by everything, but also greedy and materialistic and jealous.

Weird conversation with Logan today about his parent's not buying me something... like it means anything. I am obsessed with the idea of being "unwanted"--and I try to prove it all the time, by the smallest actions of others.

I read The Other Boleyn Girl Tonight. And now I am feeling frightened. Yesterday and today I knew Logan and I would hang out, it's the holidays. After this, I don't know.

I feel embarrassed, all the time, about how I've behaved.

God, mostly though... I just feel really sick and still have heartburn. Or I guess acid reflex. I don't know. 40 minutes.

Haven't heard from L all night. Wonder if he had other plans? Realized we don't see each other or talk much now... maybe it's sinking in that we're broken up. Don't want it to be. Wish I didn't feel sick. I hope the drive home goes okay. I'm reminded of the horrible times in college i would stay up all night and I was so sick all the time for various reasons. I'm getting too old to be like this. Need some dignity! Some class! Some grace!

It's never too late, right? And things will be okay, right? I hate the idea of living in a time that I won't really be able to understand until it's gone by... doing and saying things that later I will know were probably the wrong things to do or say. But I don't have that clarity now.

2010-12-24T00:16:00.001-08:00

I haven't written anything in this blog for a long time.

It's Christmas Eve Eve. I haven't done anything for the holidays this year. It's felt kind of great. Also, detached.

Lately I've been thinking I wish I could not belong to facebook, not text message, not have a cell phone, without being totally left out of things. Without missing something. It's not worth it to me to give that part of it up, because all of my peers have it/the world has it. I just wish I could go back to speaking. Making plans ahead of time and then showing up. Can you imagine that? Walking into a place to meet someone without saying "I'm on my way" or "are you there?" over text.

This year was incredibly fucking weird.

My grandma died, I met my dad, I quit my job, Logan and I broke up, I drove across the country. Among many many other things. I'm not sure what I've learned. I know that I grew a lot from my job. The saddest part about being broken up with Logan is I don't say "I love you" to him anymore because I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do with a lot of what happened this year.

Mary, Amanda, and I went to the coast for the lunar eclipse/winter solstice. We made an altar. We wrote down things we wanted to get rid of and leave behind. We burned herbs. We burned our pieces of paper. We wrote down things we wanted and burned them to. We asked for things and got them. We remembered the power of positive thinking/visualization/asking for what you want.

The eclipse was so beautiful. We stared at the moon as it disappeared until our eyes burned. I went back into the yurt and read TS Eliot for comfort. When I came out the moon was completely gone. An hour later, it was completely full again. I fell asleep to the sound of the ocean, and I could see the once again full moon shining down from the sky light.

Every winter I get really really depressed and this one is much harder because of the break-up.

I think that everything will be okay.

2010-05-05T15:36:00.001-07:00

2010-03-19T22:53:00.001-07:00

i miss what never was.

list of things i don't want to do

2010-03-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

1. check my bank account balance.

2. go to the airport on wednesday at 5:30am.

3. figure out how to get to the airport.

4. go to my grandma's funeral.

5. go to work tomorrow.

6. go to work on saturday.

7. get up in the morning.

list of things i want:

1. to smoke a cigarette.

2. to stay in bed.

coming home songs

2010-03-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

Songs with lyrics about coming home and forgiveness are extra poignant to me, for whatever reason.

Pedro the Lion-Of Minor Prophets and Their Prostitute Wives

Bright Eyes-First Day of My Life

are both good "coming home" songs..

I like M. Ward's Poison Cup, because I thought the lyrics said "I'll forgive you everything" which I thought was the most amazing sentiment. Apparently he's actually saying "I'm gonna give you everything" which isn't as good.

There's also Phantom Planet-West Coast.

Anyways, imaginary readers, use lala and listen to those. And pay attention to the lines about coming home. And understand what I'm talking about and feel the same way.

patterns

2010-03-09T01:21:00.000-08:00

Kepler's self-authored epitaph:
Mensus eram coelos, nunc terrae metior umbras
Mens coelestis erat, corporis umbra iacet.
I measured the skies, now the shadows I measure
Skybound was the mind, earthbound the body rests.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snell%27s_law
http://herz-fischler.ca/ARTICLES/articles.html
http://www.lumen.nu/rekveld/wp/?page_id=340
http://thefloatinglibrary.com/2009/02/13/a-new-refutation-of-time-selections-j-l-borges/

grotto party oscars

2010-03-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

I worked from 8-1:30 on Saturday, after not much sleep on Friday. Afterwards I walked around Hawthorne in the sunshine and went to the Red Light to search for a costume. Logan met me there and I took him to Broder for a date. Broder is adorably Scandinavian... all the servers were stylish and they played Belle and Sebastian and things like that from someone's iphone, at one point during a song it received a text message.
Afterwards I drove us like a lunatic to the Grotto, stressed out in the parking lot over details, eventually went in. We walked around and read about the saints and Logan took pictures of flowers.
Party afterwards, Sunday brunch, nap, TV watching.

i miss la playa!

2010-02-28T06:43:00.000-08:00

hoy

2010-02-28T02:17:00.000-08:00

all over the place today.

great day! brunch, birthday hats and cakes, piano playing, game of hearts at the waypost, friends, cranium, tons of laughing and sunshine.

plus fighting with logan and no sleep.

was asking about my theme at brunch and someone suggested y2k, generator jokes. i didn't say anything. thought about earl when i was laying in bed, the layout of that house. thought about how scared i was all the time. living in a house full of loaded guns. including one in the car and one under the bed. wanted a hug. kept thinking logan was coming up the stairs but it was always my roommates. blahblahblah.

found carla morrison. obsessed with her. thought in spanish a little today. talked a lot in spanish yesterday.

beautiful day, beautiful sky. clear night.

gushing happiness

2010-02-22T15:32:00.000-08:00

This weekend L and I stayed in a bed and breakfast right outside of Mt Rainier National Park.
It was incredibly relaxing and reinvigorating. The place was perfect. Perks of a hotel (restaurant, maid service, sense of anonymity) but with a homey common area and yard that made it feel like I was on vacation at my grandparents.
It was nice being lifted out of our daily routine, and remembering how good we are together, no matter where we are.
It gave us the peace and quiet and privacy that I've been craving, so we could have some really amazing heart to hearts. We were able to talk about things that we've needed to talk about for about a year. And even before the heart-to-hearts, I had such a good time getting drunk together and having rambling and enthusiastic conversations.

I kept telling my brain to memorize what it was like to stand in the sun and look at the mountains and trees. So when the day-to-day gets to me I can go back there.

Bursting with epiphanies all weekend: about my childhood, being an adult now, my future as a nudist, the negative thoughts that creep into my brain. The barbed wire I wrap my feelings in.

A supreme tranquility washed over my soul. I know I can't keep it, but I hope recording it helps.

2010-02-19T14:38:00.000-08:00

I'm going to stop cutting my hair.

2010-02-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

I've decided on a wildly ambitious Lent.
This Lent I am giving up chocolate and lattes in to-go cups. And I have to not use my car one day a week. And I have to do the couch potato to 5k program.
OHMYGODCANTWAITTILEASTER

february

2010-02-14T23:39:00.001-08:00

I turned my computer on to write something, but I've just been looking at facebook.

I felt a lot today. And thought of lots of things I wanted to write down. Now trying to look back and remember...

I've been feeling depressed, horrible... in a rut. Staying in bed. Being mean.

And now I feel better.

It's like that, I guess. Ups and downs.

Today was beautiful. Sunny, some rain, warm. It's an awkward time of year. I saw some tiny little blossoms poking up out of the dirt today. And then drove passed a house that still had Christmas lights on.

Spring!, but the Winter Reminder. Light at the end of the tunnel. Time for resolutions. New resolutions, all the time. New Resolutions All the Time that I always Mean. That I will Keep.

2010-02-05T21:58:00.001-08:00

Sophie suggested that I write about the dad-facebook thing so instead I signed up to work eight days in a row. Home at midnight, back to work by 8am. No time..

2010-01-29T21:47:00.001-08:00

The transition to confessional blog from "keep track of fun activities I'm doing!" was pretty short. But I'm okay with that.

2010-01-29T03:36:00.001-08:00

I'm worried that I'm going to waste my life being mean.

exdads on facebook and rd laing

2010-01-29T02:40:00.000-08:00

I guess I feel like, if they have time to have a facebook, why don't they have time to send me a card or an email or a message? Am I supposed to add them? Message them? Email my stepdad and ask, why did you stop talking to me. Email my dad and ask, why did you leave and never talk to me again. You obviously talk to other people. I can see a list of them, on that website we're both on. It seems so High Fidelity, but with family members. Do I just get over it?

The other person's behavior is an experience of mine. My behavior is an experience of the other. The task of social phenomenology is to relate my experience of the other's behavior to the other's experience of my behavior.

I cannot experience your experience. You cannot experience my experience. We are both invisible men. All men are invisible to one another. Experience is man's invisibility to man.

2010-01-26T23:51:00.000-08:00

from “Song of Myself”

by Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

I think I could turn and live with animals,

they are so placid and self-contain’d,

I stand and look at them long and long.

They do not sweat and whine about their condition,

They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins,

They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God,

Not one is dissatisfied, not one is demented with the mania of owning things,

Not one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived thousands of years ago,

Not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole earth.

2010-01-26T20:55:00.000-08:00

failure to thrive

2010-01-26T02:16:00.001-08:00

i could have lived without all that and bought myself an ipod nano.

why not spend $200+ in a day

2010-01-25T17:33:00.000-08:00

job interview

walgreens:
two rolls of developed film
miniature composition notebook
schick quattro refill cartridges
mechanical pencils

whole foods:
non fat soy latte
electric aromatherapy
birthday card
almond milk
tortilla chips

library

vegethai:
sweet and sour soy chicken
thai iced tea

vogue nails:
manicure
pedicure
eyebrow wax
lip wax

swirl:
creme brulee frozen yogurt

peet's:
jasmine pearl tea

dalo's:
red stripe beer
vegan platter
ethiopian honey wine

what would i want

2010-01-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

This weekend I have felt horrible and inferior.
Listening to this song on repeat, tonight:

youth

2010-01-24T22:07:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling.

George Phillips Bond

2010-01-22T00:51:00.000-08:00

George Phillips Bond (May 20, 1825 – February 17, 1865) was an American astronomer. His early interest was in nature and birds, but after his elder brother William Cranch Bond Jr. died, he felt obliged to follow his father into the field of astronomy. Bond took the first photograph of a star in 1850.

etc

2010-01-21T22:18:00.001-08:00

Some cool stuff has happened! But I haven't been putting it in here.

Things:
went to the art museum!
ate at ladybug restaurant in st johns!
ate at proper eats in st johns!
saw up in the air!
saw youth in revolt!
went on a city walk from the book portland city walks (with my cute drunk boyfriend)!
have been reading 'eating animals'!
have been going out to bars and having fun

lamebook

2010-01-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

Well, this past week I have found my dad (who I haven't spoken to since 1989) and my ex-stepdad (who I haven't seen since 1999) on facebook. It was a shock seeing pictures of my dad for the first time in twenty years.
Seeing my stepdad after so long made me feel kind of stupid about my weird stupid issues that I have been blaming him about for so long. Facebook just makes everyone (even your estranged family) seem like any old dude. He's just some dude that is a fan of "sleeping in tents" and "slapping dick cheney", and this is the person I've let ruin so much of my life, YEARS after even living with him or knowing him. He was this weird phantom/creator of my neuroses... facebook really shrunk him down to size for me.

Also, finding estranged family on that website has made me reevaluate putting my pictures and stuff like that on there. I think it would be better to be a lot more removed than I am. I guess if you're actually removed from stuff you don't talk about it anymore.

Weird week though. As far as facebook stalking men that fucked me up as a child and then bailed.

2010-01-08T16:22:00.001-08:00

sometimes breaking taboos make life feel a little easier.

I want to go to Paris.

2010-01-07T02:01:00.000-08:00

endgame

2010-01-07T01:36:00.000-08:00

The protagonists of the play are Hamm, an aged master who is blind and not able to stand up, and his servant Clov, who cannot sit down. They exist in a tiny house by the sea, although the dialogue suggests that there is nothing left outside—no sea, no sun, no clouds. The two characters, mutually dependent, have been fighting for years and continue to do so as the play progresses. Clov always wants to leave but never seems to be able. Also present are Hamm's legless parents Nagg and Nell, who live in rubbish bins downstage and initially request food or argue inanely.

"Beckett's favorite line in the play is Hamm's deduction from Clov's observation that Nagg is crying: 'Then he's living.' But in Berlin he felt that the most important sentence is Nell's 'Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.' And he directed his play to show the fun of unhappiness."

http://www.samuel-beckett.net/hugill.html

The implication in the play is that the characters live in an unchanging, static state. Each day contains the actions and reactions of the day before, until each event takes on an almost ritualistic quality. It is made clear, through the text, that the characters have a past. However, there is no indication that they may have a future.

2010-01-07T00:55:00.001-08:00

I broke my resolution. Everything I wrote about is a big joke. Sam said a long time ago if you're not having a good time you're doing something wrong. It's easy to write that off and say, maybe life isn't that simple. But, fuck-- it should be. I am doing something wrong.
Sade has a new song that I'm listening to for the first time as I write this and I like it.

Did you ever hear that Peter and the Wolf song Strange Machines? I can't find it anywhere but it's a good one. "Life could be so easy, why do you have to make it so hard... what strange machines we are" it says. Basically.

What do I want?
To travel and feel free. To spontaneously take a train somewhere and to sleep in a field. I've been reading about Kepler and I love him and I want to talk excitedly about him and try and listen to the planets as they orbit the sun. You know?

From the Mahabharata, Book Sixteen: Tell me what is good for me. I am a wanderer with a hollow heart.

2010-01-05T15:50:00.001-08:00

Whatever happens is a sign of something that will happen.
-Seneca

august 2008

2010-01-05T01:06:00.001-08:00

2010-01-05T00:43:00.001-08:00

I want to break my resolution.

oregon city

2010-01-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

Logan and I went to the first city in the United States west of the Rockies to be incorporated (thanks wikipedia)... Oregon City!

On the drive there we saw lots of adult arcades and then we walked around and saw lots of historic homes. We read a lot of about John McLoughlin, the "father of Oregon."

He looks pretty intense.

Apparently in the late 1840s his general store was famous for being the last stop on the Oregon Trail. Also, I read this story on wikipedia and thought it was funny: When three Japanese fishermen, among them Otokichi, were shipwrecked on the Olympic Peninsula in 1834, McLoughlin, envisioning an opportunity to use them to open trade with Japan, sent the trio to London on the Eagle to try to convince the Crown of his plan. They reached London in 1835, probably the first Japanese to do so since the 16th century Christopher and Cosmas. The British Government finally did not show interest, and the castaways were sent to Macau so that they could be returned to Japan.

And he gave aid to American settlers. Probably more for his sake then theirs, but who knows.

When we were driving away from Oregon City I felt funny looking around at Michaels and Safeway and Starbucks and stuff, considering less than 200 years ago it was supposed to be the final frontier or something. Either way it was a fun day!

current favorite bar in portland

2010-01-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

Billy Ray's Neighborhood Dive.

2010-01-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Grace,
Get Out Of Bed. Take a shower. Go to work.

2010-01-01T22:03:00.001-08:00

sometimes too tired to keep trying. tired of trying. sometimes.

on to the next one

2010-01-01T05:20:00.000-08:00

I feel good about this decade being over.
I ended 1999, the 90s, sitting in a single wide trailer that was on five acres of land in a canyon in southern Idaho. I watched Body Heat with my stepfather, my mother, my brother, and my brother's ex-girlfriend. My stepdad paused the movie to check y2k forums. But nothing happened in Australia. And then nothing happened here. And then we went to bed.
A day later and still nothing had happened. We took my brother and my brother's ex-girlfriend to the airport. My stepdad, Earl, drank cocktail after cocktail in the airport bar. He made a joke about putting cyanide in our drinks. He joked about group suicide. On the drive home, the car kept drifting into the other lane as semi-trucks passed us. When we stopped for gas I asked my mother to drive the rest of the way instead of Earl.
What followed? Earl stopped showering and started baking a lot of bread. There were some bad fights between my mother and Earl, but I don't remember if they were pre or post December 31st 1999. I went back to school. I smoked pot out of an aluminum can. I talked to my brother about moving in with him.
And then Earl left. He went back to Florida to work as a commercial photographer. He said he couldn't work in Idaho. He was supposed to come back and he never did.
My mom started crying when we were in public and stopped wanting to get out of bed. But she got us out of there. We drove to Colorado together, and I can still picture the red dirt and red rocks as we crossed into Colorado from Wyoming. It was raining, and I swear I remember a rainbow when we got there.
My mom got us a house and painted the walls. She had to declare bankruptcy and she filed for divorce. She made me noodles with pesto and salad a lot and I tried to do my homework.
I did okay for awhile, kept it together for a year and got okay grades. And then I started skipping school and failing classes. Experimenting with drugs. Sometimes my mom would tell me I was the only reason she was still alive, and sometimes I would stay up nights wishing the next day would never come.
I made friends and I lost friends and I kissed a boy for the first time. I graduated high school. I got accepted into college, and I went back to Idaho.
In college I joined a sorority and started binge drinking for the first time. I lived with a man (a boy, really) for the first time. We made a nice house together for awhile. Our relationship ended when I was just 19, and I stayed single for a long time. I learned things. My mother moved to Idaho, and later my brother moved to Idaho too. I spent time with them. I graduated college and moved to Portland. And I learned how to ride the bus, how to walk around in crowds by myself.
During this decade I gained 50 pounds and lost 50 pounds. I worked for a national park for a weekend before I quit without telling anyone. I flew to Florida. I drove from Colorado Springs to Boise a lot, and from Boise to Portland a lot. One weekend I spontaneously drove to the address I had for my biological father, which turned out to be a huge apartment complex. I slept in a city park with a friend. I hung out in Seattle. I moved 15 times. I visited Peru and Bolivia. I moved to Argentina by myself and took a boat to Uruguay. I saw New York for the first time. I ran from the cops. I watched a lot of sunrises with friends. I went swimming with my mom and my brother and we walked our dog together. I saw my grandparents. I tried to celebrate things. I struggled.
It took me a long time to realize any of the impact the 90s had on me. I'm ready for it to be in the past. I've spent ten years trying to process and recover. Ten years reacting.
On December 31st 2009 I watched tv on my computer and napped. I fought with my boyfriend, and then we talked to each other. We worked it out and treated each other with respect. We drank champagne. I went to work, which is a shelter for teenage girls. I watched the ball drop with them and we drank sparkling apple cider. I talked to them about their boyfriends and their families and I gave one medicine and one chocolate.
I let them go outside to look at fireworks and they cheered along with the neighbors. We watched the premiere of the Jay-Z video for "On to the Next One."
I planned on writing in detail about each year of the decade. Instead I google chatted with Logan and Dave and I watched TV.
Dave asked me what resolutions I made. I said that I wouldn't look at Logan's exgirlfriend on facebook anymore. It's more than that, though. It's vague. It has to do with how I spend my time. It has to do with knocking some of the bullshit off, and growing up. I work with teenagers for forty hours a week, I can't act like them. It's still about celebrating and struggling. And it's about being ready to let go of the past.
Ten years is a big deal when you're 24. I'm excited to get older. I'm excited to learn how to do more things.
Happy 2010.

so far

2009-12-31T14:33:00.001-08:00

Today the rain is bringing me down.

2010 horoscope

2009-12-31T12:57:00.001-08:00

I think everyone should always have an improbable quest playing at the edges of their imagination -- you know, some heroic task that provokes deep thoughts and rouses noble passions even if it also incites smoldering torment. I'm talking about an extravagant dream that's perhaps a bit farfetched but not entirely insane; a goal that constantly rouses you to stretch your possibilities and open your mind further; a wild hope whose pursuit makes you smarter and stronger even if you never fully accomplish it. The coming year would be an excellent time to keep such an adventure at the forefront of your awareness.

today

2009-12-29T22:45:00.000-08:00

Today I made all my meals for the week, went to the gym, made a mix cd, had roommate Christmas, watched Sabrina, and wrote thank-you cards. And it snowed!

This weekend Logan and I went to hang out with my family for Christmas. So good to get away, and it ruled having my bf along. I also finally watched District 9, Wall-E, and the Dark Knight. Wall-E and D9 were amazing.

I wish we were still eating my grandma's food and walking my mom's dog. Back to work tomorrow. ho-hum.

stolen from fraeuleinzucker.blogspot.com

2009-12-29T22:44:00.000-08:00

mas christmas eve

2009-12-25T02:12:00.001-08:00

christmas eve

2009-12-24T00:28:00.000-08:00

I feel perfectly content. I had some pretty hectic days at work but I am proud of myself for getting through it.

Things that are good:
-I bought myself new sheets, a new comforter, and a new duvet cover. I've had the same old comforter for many years, and it hasn't been white for many years, even after taking it to the dry cleaners. I LOVE my new stuff. I feel so fresh and clean and new in bed.
-Only ten more hours of work and I get to go to Idaho for Christmas.
-Things feel good with Logan AND I get to spend Christmas with him.
-My roommates rule. I am so grateful I have such a good living situation.
-The fog tonight was awesome and beautiful.
-I treated myself to a new book and some bath salts at the grocery store.

Hurray.

baby elephant

2009-12-23T11:52:00.000-08:00

Jezebel put up a picture of a 2 day old elephant today.

bonnie&clyde

2009-12-22T23:01:00.000-08:00

WHENYOUTELLTHELIONS that you love them.

2009-12-22T02:42:00.000-08:00

I've listened to this song about 20 times today.

POEM

Cascando

by Samuel Beckett

why not merely the despaired of

occasion of

wordshed

is it not better abort than be barren

the hours after you are gone are so leaden

they will always start dragging too soon

the grapples clawing blindly the bed of want

bringing up the bones the old loves

sockets filled once with eyes like yours

all always is it better too soon than never

the black want splashing their faces

saying again nine days never floated the loved

nor nine months

nor nine lives

saying again

if you do not teach me I shall not learn

saying again there is a last

even of last times

last times of begging

last times of loving

of knowing not knowing pretending

a last even of last times of saying

if you do not love me I shall not be loved

if I do not love you I shall not love

the churn of stale words in the heart again

love love love thud of the old plunger

pestling the unalterable

whey of words

terrified again

of not loving

of loving and not you

of being loved and not by you

of knowing not knowing pretending

pretending

I and all the others that will love you

if they love you

unless they love you

2009-12-21T02:37:00.001-08:00

5 days til christmas

2009-12-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

Some things have happened. What can I say? This weekend was good. Logan took me to see Coco Before Chanel and he bought me the best steak in Portland at Jake's.
We went to see a motorcycle race on ice and it gave me a headache.
Oh yeah and on Friday night I ate tons of chocolate and drank beer and opened up presents by the fire.
So far we've watched A Colbert Christmas, Elf, and Christmas Vacation.

I like it when Zooey Deschanel sings "I was never enough but I can try to toughen up" and "if he burns you let him go."

best horoscope

2009-12-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

Cancer
I'm hoping that you will get out more in 2010. And I mean way out. Far out. Not just out to the unexplored hotspots on the other side of town (although that would be good), but also out to marvelous sanctuaries on the other side of paradise. Not just out to the parts of the human zoo where you feel right at home, but also out to places in the urban wilderness where you'll encounter human types previously unknown to you. In conclusion, traveler, let me ask you this: What was the most kaleidoscopic trip you've ever taken? Consider the possibility of surpassing it in the next 12 months.

i'm late to work!

2009-12-16T11:37:00.001-08:00

tUnE-YaRdS "Fiya" from dublab on Vimeo.

you are what you love

2009-12-16T00:20:00.000-08:00

Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
Donald Kaufman: Whats up?
Charlie Kaufman: Thank you.
Donald Kaufman: For what?

michael hurley-the tea song

2009-12-08T15:32:00.001-08:00

I am sorting out my tapes and this song came on. Beautiful.

Turn on the tea and let it brew
I like six cups not one or two
My nerves are shaking and my heart is breaking
It's just because of all the tea I take
Bring out the cups and honey too
Turn on the tea and let it brew
I don't care that she's left me
Just so long as the cupboard's full of tea
Poor old Budda turned into stone
That's why I drink tea alone
Budda made of stone and his eyes are ruby
But his thoughts and dreams are distilled in the tea
I'll drink my tea and sit and drink
Conjure up the leprechaun to dance on the steel
I'm drinking my tea and it's getting late
Thought I heard somebody pass my gate
I don't know and I wonder what's to become of me
Sitting up all night listening to the CBC

internacional

2009-12-04T00:56:00.000-08:00

This is the sexiest song ever. A woman with a Spanish accent listing cities in this world is a sweet sweet lullaby to my tired ears:

Sabina Sciubba, speaker of six languages and singer from Brazilian Girls:

Dutchess and the Duke

2009-11-22T23:40:00.000-08:00

David got into town and we ate BBQ at Russell St and went to see the Dutchess and the Duke.
I had a giant crush on Kimberly Morrison. She was totally adorable.... simple outfit, messy ponytail, chugging wine and beer, great voice, laughing and smiling... I turned into a mushy fangirl.
Look, here she is:

They were super good, I love their voices together.
The best song live was I am Just a Ghost. The sound quality of this video does not do it justice.

And they played my favorite song last, Armageddon Song.
I guess it's the nature of the opening bands and of the Doug Fir, but the whole night was pretty mellow. I was expecting something a little more high-energy, and maybe I thought they'd stand up to play, but oh well.

friday-Glass Candy w/Dave

2009-11-20T19:53:00.000-08:00

Friday 11/20--

I woke up at 7:20 to take a shower and get ready for work at TPI. Some people (Logan and Dave) had their doubts, but I got to work showered, caffeinated, and on time with a bagel in hand. I had a great day at work, it was mellow as hell and it was nice to be surrounded by adults instead of teenage girls.

After work I went over to Logan's and we watched the Sopranos and enjoyed having his house to ourselves (all his roommates were already moved out). Eventually I made it to Rotture with Dave to see Glass Candy. The crowd was insanely weird and I felt uncomfortable. Dave and I sat down. Dave tried to talk about life and people and I wasn't in a great mood at all, so the conversation was kind of stilted. Luckily, some guy that we met the night before showed up and Dave smoked weed with him and became extremely euphoric and agreeable. Aaron showed up too. I didn't have a great time at the show. I was tired, it was way too packed, and I didn't like the music that much.

Later we met Logan at Chopsticks where he was doing karaoke with some friends. We sat through some horrible singing. On the way out I noticed I had a flat tire. We spent what seemed like three hours trying to get my spare on. I was extremely nervous and irritable the whole time.

dave and tube

2009-11-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

Uh-oh, I haven't updated and now I am so behind I can't remember what I've been doing.

Thursday night 11/19:
Between work days I decided to go out with Dave instead of going to bed because I thought it would be his last night in town. We met Kait and some of her friends at the River City Grill. By the time we got there it was last call so Dave dumped some rum from my flask into an Arnold Palmer. After that we went to Valentines and got a drink with Kait's friend while she walked somebody else home. It was one of the first nights I had off while Logan had to be at work, so I brought him a doughnut from Voodoo Doughnuts.

After Voodoo we walked to Tube and were immediately handed shots of tequila. I drank a lot and we danced a lot to soul music and Dave dropped an entire glass on the dance floor-- the shattering seemed to be in time with the music and it didn't bother anyone.

After that we drove to the food carts on Hawthorne and got some free poutine from Potato Champion. On the drive back to my house we sang along to Lightning Dust. We couldn't believe our luck from getting all the free stuff and the night felt perfect.

audrey hepburn and jean seberg

2009-11-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

Roman Holiday and Breathless.

New Moon

2009-11-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

Today for work I went to see New Moon with nine teenage girls. I am home now. I am too tired to process anything.

neon indian

2009-11-17T23:36:00.000-08:00

Friends of Trees smashed my window in. Dave got into town and we walked to Mississippi Studios. Got there for the last two Guidance Counselor songs and saw Neon Indian after that. Great crowd. Heard someone say "this sounds like a gay space dance" and he was totally right.

exorcise these tongue-tied worries

2009-11-15T04:35:00.000-08:00

North Coast Seed Company

2009-11-14T23:40:00.000-08:00

I made cookies, soup, and cranberry bread. I took a bath and read Stranger in a Strange Land. I didn't feel like going out but forced myself to.
I went to a birthday party in a warehouse that had art, free food and drinks, and a dj.
It looked like this

Then I went to the Florida Room, where I frowned and texted. After that I went to a party for fifteen minutes and then left. Then I went to bed at 4:30am.

2009-11-13T12:51:00.001-08:00

I am not trying. I have watched The Sopranos seasons 2-5 this last week. I am in bed. I am listening to Ambling Alp (Memory Tapes Remix) by Yeasayer.

Edit: I got my head light replaced, my hair cut, and my eyebrows waxed. I talked to Dave about driving up to Seattle to bring him to Portland.

job-less?

2009-11-10T05:15:00.000-08:00

Noisy Pig

2009-11-07T03:33:00.000-08:00

Logan and I packed a picnic and planned to go on a five mile walk around Vancouver, WA. Instead it poured rain and we ate our picnic inside. And drank wine and ate cheese. And watched a million hours of the Sopranos with my roommates.

Eventually we went to a hot toddy party (I forgot to add the booze to mine, whoops) and then saw Noisy Pig at Rotture.

Silly Pepper music video from vacio on Vimeo.

Aaron met us there and later on we went to another dance party at the Matador. I heard the song "I'm the Shit and I'm up in this Bitch."

Warming Center

2009-11-06T02:04:00.000-08:00

I woke up and met Logan at the gym. I tried to run on the treadmill but mostly walked. A show called Franny's Feet was on TV and I really liked it. From what I could tell, some little girl puts on shoes and they transport her somewhere where she talks to animals and learns something, comes back home with a trinket, and then her grandpa does something cute with her like go puddle jumping. She says stuff like "I wonder where my feet will take me today."

Afterwards I went home and put on purple tights and a black dress and went to a job interview. When I got home from that I made soup and read Where I'm Calling From by Raymond Carver.

At 7:30 I went to shadow a shift at the Transition Projects Warming Center. An empty office building where up to 90 people can sleep, eat ramen noodles, and play Monopoly. Including couples. I worked at the Warming Center full time last year and I saw a couple of the same people. We played Monopoly until I left at 11:30pm. I went to Rotture after that with Logan and the place was totally empty, so we left after one beer to go drink another beer at The Nest.

2009-11-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

I did nothing on Thursday. I slept for a long time.

gamera vs guiron

2009-11-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

Saw Gamera vs Guiron at the Hollywood Theatre. So awesome. Live dubbing and music and sound effects and a sing along.
Gamera vs Guiron... not to be confused with
El Guincho

Remember that picture that said "CALM DOWN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY"? Need to tell myself that while listening to El Guincho.
Mad stress at work. Won't be forever, right? Why worry? Need to be more like Alf.

HP LOVECRAFT

2009-11-03T21:07:00.001-08:00

The more he withdrew from the world about him, the more wonderful became his dreams; and it would have been quite futile to try to describe them on paper. Kuranes was not modern and did not think like others who wrote. Whilst they strove to strip from life its embroidered robes of myth, and to shew in naked ugliness the foul thing that is reality, Kuranes sought for beauty alone. When truth and experience failed to reveal it, he sought it in fancy and illusion, and found it on his very doorstep, amid the nebulous memories of childhood tales and dreams.

There are not many persons who know what wonders are opened to them in the stories and visions of their youth; for when as children we listen and dream, we think but half-formed thoughts, and when as men we try to remember, we are dulled and prosaic with the poison of life. But some of us awake in the night with strange phantasms of enchanted hills and gardens, of fountains that sing in the sun, of golden cliffs overhanging murmuring seas, of plains that stretch down to sleeping cities of bronze and stone, and of shadowy companies of heroes that ride caparisoned white horses along the edges of thick forests; and then we know that we have looked back through the ivory gates into that world of wonder which was ours before we were wise and unhappy.

Dia de los Muertos

2009-11-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

So I am trying to lose 2 pounds a week starting this month. I'm using fitday.com and I get 1,506 calories a day and sometimes I spend two hours looking at cookinglight.com.

Monday I woke up and went to my Spanish class, then I went to the grocery store, then I helped cook dinner, which was chicken with bacon and cider sauce. 257 calories.

I like fitday.com cause it tells you exactly what you've eaten, with pie charts. Like today I ate 20%protein and got 15% of the zinc I need.

9mths

2009-11-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I woke up early and wanted to clean up from the party. I walked to Plaid Pantry to get some garbage bags and I saw 3 men standing on the side of the building with bags of recycling. I asked them if they wanted some cans and bottles. I told them it'd take me about twenty minutes to clean everything up and get the cans and bottles to them. They offered to help clean and I said I didn't feel comfortable having strangers come back with me. One man said, "I'm not going to stalk you or nothin'." He said, "Twenty minutes" and I confirmed it.
I went back to Logan's and put all the glass bottles in one bag and all the aluminum cans in another bag. I dragged the two bags back to the Plaid Pantry and a woman was at the side of the building with a small dog but the three men weren't there. I stood there for a moment, then left the two bags near a bench by the side of the building and started to walk away.
The woman with a small dog said, "Don't leave your trash there, we pay to have people take it away."
I said, "Oh, I told some people I'd give them my recycling so they can exchange it for money. They're not here so I'm going to leave it here for them."
She said, "We're trying to clean this area up. The cops were here awhile ago cleaning them all up. Leave the bags outside your house, someone will take them."
Then her small dog took a shit on the ground and she walked away. I walked ten feet away from the side of the building and left the two bags on the sidewalk there.

After that Logan woke up and I started feeling insanely sick. He drove me home and I barfed in the shower. I crawled into bed and made a shopping list: saltines, ginger ale, bread, grapes, peppermint tea. Logan went to the store and brought me home what I wanted. We ate toast and drank tea and napped. Later on we got Thai take-out from Monsoon on Mississippi (half restaurant, half laundromat.) We watched the movie I had from Netflix, Zodiac. Then we napped again and I woke up and had to go to work. It was our nine month anniversary.

Halloween

2009-10-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

For Halloween I put on a pumpkin costume and ate pumpkin ravioli with Mary and she did my make-up for me. I went to Logan's house and saw Aaron and we drove to Simone and Kyndall's party and listened to Janet Jackson. We drove back to Logan's party and he was happy that people were dancing. I drank too much and tried to eat candy and I barfed and Logan fell asleep with his shoes on.

Timberline Lodge/The Burrito Place

2009-10-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

When I was a little kid I wanted to drive on an interstate until the road ended as soon as I got my license. I have never done that, but a lot of times I do want to skip my destination (work, home) and just keep driving down the road.

On Friday I was so stoked to have a day off I wanted to drive to another town or state or country and I sent text messages to a few people asking if they were interested.

Mary got back to me with the idea of driving up to Timberline Lodge on Mt Hood. She said she'd pack us a lunch and that we could stop and walk down different trails on the way. So that's what we did, and it was beautiful and wonderful.

Once we got to the lodge we walked around in the snow (snow!) and fog and wandered inside to the bar. We drank hot beverages and looked out the window at the wind blowing the snow around and watched people taking wedding pictures below us by the huge fireplace.

A few hours later we drove back to Portland and ended up going to a restaurant called "The Burrito Place" that was having a karaoke Halloween party. The Burrito Place had free tacos and jello shots called "panny droppers." We were the youngest people there by at least ten years. The men were all hammered and the women were all drinking soda. One woman wearing scrubs looked particularly unhappy and bored and was holding her purse like she was ready to leave at any second, but her husband kept getting more and more drinks. She stared at the table and looked like she was on the verge of tears. When Mary sang "Love Shack" the woman smiled.

all work

2009-10-29T02:31:00.000-07:00

2009-10-28T17:43:00.001-07:00

Calcarea is prepared from the oyster-shell, and its origins tell us much about the psychology of the type. The oyster is one of the less dynamic creatures of the sea. It prefers to stay safely inside its shell, clinging to a rock for security. Inside its shell it is soft and amorphous, and its activities revolve around assimilating food and digesting it.

rut

2009-10-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

Work was pretty insanely hectic so I had 3 Stellas when I got home, which for me is around 9 or 9:30am. Took a hot hot shower. Watched funny music videos.

Woke up and put on boots and lipstick. Ate chocolate ganache-covered pecans draped in marzipan (in the shape of a ghost) with a marshmallow jack-o-lantern. Couldn't stop laughing as I ate it. Drank a 2 below. Went by the Fred Meyers on 39th, that place is huge now that it's remodeled. I bought a prepackaged rice and sweet and sour chicken meal and used the microwave there. The dining area had a TV with Jay Leno playing, I watched his monologue. The guy next to me laughed at every joke.

Then, back to work. I've been watching Morgan Spurlock's 30 days. It's pretty good but it's no Errol Morris' First Person.

I'm in a bit of a rut.

bed blog

2009-10-26T14:17:00.001-07:00

15 hour workday, 2 jobs, 1 hour rainstorm rush hour commute, 1 latte,
1 diet coke, 2 ibupfrofen, 2 hours missed spanish class
1 parking ticket, 3 slices of free pizza, 0 glasses of water,
1 hot shower, 8 hours until i have to be back at work

oh yeah and i forgot
teenage girls insult me, homeless men compliment my smile

St Johns Theatre/Zombieland

2009-10-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

This afternoon Logan and I drove up to North Portland to explore. It was awesome seeing new stuff, like the Arbor Lodge New Seasons. We drove across the St Johns Bridge and parked by the St Johns Theatre and walked around a bit. It felt like we were out of town. Keeping up with scary movie month, we saw Zombieland. So fun and good! Just a nice day of exploring in drizzly weather.

Pumpkin Fest

2009-10-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

+pumpkin pancakes
+pumpkin carving
+pumpkin soup
+pumpkin seeds
+pumpkin beer
+pumpkin ice cream
+pumpkin bread
+boggle
+sunny day
+cider and rum

-fell asleep at 7pm

Haxan, Let the Right One In

2009-10-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

It rained all day and it's scary movie month.
Watched Haxan and Let the Right One In.

wikipedia:
Häxan (English title: The Witches or Witchcraft Through The Ages) is a 1922 Swedish/Danish silent film written and directed by Benjamin Christensen. Based partly on Christensen's study of the Malleus Maleficarum, a 15th century German guide for inquisitors, Häxan is a study of how superstition and the misunderstanding of diseases and mental illness could lead to the hysteria of the witch-hunts. The film was made as a documentary but contains dramatized sequences that are comparable to horror films. With Christensen's meticulous recreation of medieval scenes and the lengthy production period, the film was the most expensive Scandinavian silent film ever made, costing nearly two million Swedish krona. Although it won acclaim in Denmark and Sweden, the film was banned in the United States and heavily censored in other countries for what were considered at that time graphic depictions of torture, nudity, and sexual perversion.

Grace

2009-10-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I made Logan a mix cd. It was really fun, I haven't made someone a mix cd in years. I listened to it after work on my way to the gym. I drove over the Burnside Bridge and the fog was so amazing over the river... and downtown. I wish I'd had my camera. This song was the best to drive to:

Oh and once I was downtown I saw this guy welding (?) something onto a building and tons of sparks showered down onto him. I wanted to watch forever but I didn't want to get in a car wreck.

Tonight Logan and I watched the movie Grace.

It was insanely disturbing. I have a weird relationship with horror movies. I need to read more theory... I just google searched and read this.
Now I'm in bed, wearing a red velvet one piece pajama suit that I got at a thrift store. My belly is full of cookies and I am thinking nice things about my boyfriend and I am happy it's the weekend. I feel happy. Thanks October 22nd. You were a good day.

be for me

2009-10-22T02:07:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by ashley & traci.

The constant and memorable. I mean, momentary.

Be for Me.
[...] even the hardness,
of rain falling
will have for me

something other than this,
something not so insistent —
and I to be locked in this
final uneasiness.

Love, if you love me,
lie next to me.
Be for me, like rain,
the getting out

of the tiredness, the fatuousness, the semi-
lust of intentional indifference.
Be wet
with a decent happiness.

-- robert creeley

Happiness

2009-10-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me a text message that said "Gerald had a very slight stroke sun. I guess & now noreen called. Expecting him to die today. All kids with him. Im going to shower then go be with jackie. She is confused. I love you."
I called my grandparents. My grandma said "Well, I'm going to lose my brother today." I said I'm sorry, that this has been a horrible week. She said, "He had a good life and was happy, that's how you have to look at it at this age." My grandpa said, "Do things while you're young."

I met Logan at the gym and we completed our third week and second day of running! yay. One more day to go this week and we're onto week four! We started the Couch-to-5k program and quit for awhile and have returned. I didn't want to do it at all this morning and I did.

I have this book by Charles Schulz that I got at Goodwill called "Happiness is a Sad Song." The last page says "Happiness is knowing you've made it through one more day."

Been listening to nothing but Lightning Dust for two days.

Moon

2009-10-20T23:58:00.001-07:00

I left work early and slept through my training. I got a full, awesome, uninterrupted 10 hours of sleep. When I woke up Mary and I went to see the movie Moon at the Laurelhurst. It was really really good. Clint Mansell wrote the score (he did Requiem for a Dream too) and the music has been in my head all night.
Afterwards Mary and I went to the Peninsula Park rose garden. Most of the roses are dead, so it was a bunch of twigs and an occasional rose. The street lamps looked really nice with the mist in the air. We found an amazing tree with tons of leaves falling from it and tried to take a picture of Mary throwing them up in the air. It was hard to coordinate with my camera's flash, but fun to try.

takin care of business

2009-10-20T00:43:00.000-07:00

Today I ruled by going to the gym after work and finally going back to Spanish class and also taking my cod liver oil. All those things were making me feel pretty invincible tonight when I was walking down the sidewalk. Then I took a step off a curb and fell down and skinned my knee. At work now. I am working until 1pm tomorrow. 12 hours to go. cups of coffee so far: one.

Liepold Farms

2009-10-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

Logan, Sophie, Lillian, and I drove to Boring, OR to get a pumpkin from Liepold Farms. I took a sippy cup with spiced apple cider. Logan and I were fighting, Sophie was going on one hour of sleep, Lillian was worried about inconveniencing a friend because we were running late. The person we were following kept taking the wrong exits and changing lanes with no warning. Traffic was backed up a mile away from the farm entrance. When we got there we all stood around not quite sure what to do. I got a pumpkin milk shake and felt disgusted with myself 2/3 of the way through. I gave it to Logan. I asked him to take a picture of me in my orange shirt in front of a giant pumpkin with a pumpkin patch in the background. He included my whole body in the picture. My body looked pale, lumpy, fat, shapeless. I yelled at him for taking the picture wrong. "What do you want to do?" he kept asking. I said "I don't know." I did know-- I wanted to lay down in my bed with the lights off and cover myself up with blankets and stay there forever. Not be standing in mud, surrounded by screaming kids, hating the feel of my clothes and my body. He walked away and I looked at my phone and thought of texting Dave. At that moment my mom called. I answered and she said "Nancy died" and I said "I was just about to send her a card" and I started crying, hard. Logan gave me a hug and moved my sunglasses to wipe off my smeared make-up. Lillian ran up and asked, "Want to go in the corn maze?" and I said "Yes" and I bought tickets to a hay ride, too.

Grindhouse Film Fest

2009-10-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

I went to see the 36 Chambers of Shaolin at the Hollywood Theater. Inspiring, right? I should be like that guy and jump in a pond a million times until I can do something right. Go into hiding and train for five years.

Kentucky

2009-10-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

This morning in bed I started thinking about Kentucky, a restaurant in Buenos Aires, Argentina that I went to a lot. I went to Buenos Aires over a year ago and I never wrote about it, so I wanted to blog about this while it was in my mind. Seems like a good idea to try and record some memories before they all completely fade.

While I was there I lived in Almagro, on the corner of Mario Bravo and Lavalle.

I lived about five blocks from a restaurant called "Kentucky." Stephy took me there for the first time. She had gone there with Agustina and shared a huge milanesa and fries and a beer for crazy cheap. When we went we just got a couple slices of napolitana pizza, probably. Pizza in Argentina is very cheesy and thick and pretty bland. I started salting my pizza when I was there.

Stephy and I went there all the time. We had so much girl talk at that restaurant. Once we ordered some chicken to share and decided to get salad because we couldn't remember the last time we'd had vegetables. When it arrived (some measly lettuce and one tomato) we salted it and devoured it with our fingers. We asked for water from the tap (something unheard of, because they always give you bottled water and charge you) and they gave it to us. The waiters were incredibly nice and curious about us. Whenever one of us went separately, they'd ask where the other one was. They introduced themselves and asked where we were from. When I told one waiter that I had an accent that was impossible to understand, he said if someone wanted to and tried, they could. It's hard to explain but basically the vibe there was just patient and nice, not annoyed.

We often went there for dinner on "American time" which probably made us a rarity too. Whenever we went to eat, at 6pm or whenever, the place would be pretty empty (except for some people watching soccer.) Once we went there at midnight and it was so packed and bustling. I thought it was so incredible to be eating somewhere late at night and have it be so alive.

I had my last meal (other than the airport) at Kentucky. I went there with Sam and Kait right before a cab was supposed to come pick me up at my apartment. I don't remember eating anything but I got a liter of quilmes. The taxi called while I was still at the restaurant. I finished my beer and left.

Here are some pictures of a menu, the awesome pictures of food on the wall, and me and Estephy with a waiter.

oh please don't go we'll eat you up we love you

2009-10-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Today I saw Where the Wild Things are and then went to a park and played swords with sticks and threw clumps of grass and then tried on Halloween costumes and then took a nap.

Joey Comeau and Grizzly Bear

2009-10-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

I went to see Joey Comeau and Zack Vandezande read from their books at Reading Frenzy. There was free beer and I was right next to the beer table, so I got a little tipsy. After the reading when Joey Comeau was signing my book I said things like "I had to wait a long time" and "I drank the free beer" and he said "feeling a little goofy eh?" He also said that maybe he had a speech impediment and not a Canadian accent. Zach Vandezande read some short stories that are on his blog and then he read from his book.... I LOVED his short stories a lot.

When that was over I went to see Grizzly Bear play at the Crystal Ballroom. I met Kait and a friend of hers there. The concert started really early and was over really early. We walked to Voodoo donuts afterwards and Kait and her friend talked about domain names. They shared their bacon maple bars with me and it was awesome. Then I conned Logan into picking me up and we watched part of Friday the 13th together. I fell asleep.... I am holding out for the 3rd one in 3d though.

A good time... two of my favorite things within like five blocks of each other on the same night. Portland rulez.

stuff that rules

2009-10-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

pretty much everything on whorange.net but especially:

Mark Ryden's snow yak show

constellation embroidery

this chick (i want to be her)
ahhh 20 minutes until my weekend starts.

what i want for breakfast

2009-10-15T05:57:00.001-07:00

With, you know.. a Starbucks dulce de leche latte and a McDonalds dulce de leche ice cream cone.
And these for good measure:

Sarah Vowell

2009-10-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

I went to see Sarah Vowell on her Wordy Shipmates paperback tour at the Powell's in Beaverton. It was weird because that Powell's is in a mall. Also, apparently these high school kids in IB history got extra credit if they attended, so there were a ton of teenagers around. I had a seat in the back and couldn't hear or see that well. Plus it didn't seem that much different from just reading that book (which I thought was awesome) or seeing her on Jon Stewart last week. Then again, I was probably just antsy because my phone was dead and I was trying to find coverage for a work shift so I could take a last minute trip to San Francisco. I ended up leaving the reading early to call like five coworkers and see if they could cover for me. Nobody could. San Francisco would've been so awesome this weekend, I *just* read the line-up for the Treasure Island Music Festival last night and immediately started trying to figure out how to get there. Not to mention a friend just moved there so I'd have a place to stay, and the fact that I've wanted to visit SFO for a million years now... oh yeah, and a friend is driving down there tomorrow so we could've gone together. And, the whole I love Beirut SO MUCH and he is playing there and nowhere else. Ugh. Oh well.

Probably the best part of going to Powell's was the drive to-and-from. I hardly ever drive on the interstate and I always get lost-- but last night I drove on the interstate and didn't get lost. It was a beautiful night, rainy and warm and really bright. I love driving on the Fremont bridge.

When I got home my key broke off in the lock. The key looked so strange afterwards. I went to work early and every single girl was out of bed, they were all up and screaming about spirits and spiders. I read Stranger in a Strange Land and watched part of The Corpse Bride. I am soo tired, I dozed off during the movie and when I woke up my ass was completely numb. I have to snap out of it though so I can have fun tonight.

Mum's Kitchen.

2009-10-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

The food carts in Portland rule. I finally went to the one super close to my house, Mum's Kitchen. It's owned by a woman who moved here from South Africa last year and she makes delicious South African/Indian food. She let me sample a ton of stuff and offered me a samoosa. While it was frying she asked if I'd ever been to South Africa. I said no and that I thought it wasn't safe for tourists. She replied that it wasn't, and that the violence was why she moved away. I think she said she was from Durban, which looks pretty cool.
When I got to work I skimmed the South Africa page on wikipedia. 52 people are murdered every day in South Africa. A woman born in South Africa has a greater chance of being raped than learning how to read.

I had some idea of that when we were talking but I didn't know how to mention it. She said she hoped that the World Cup in 2010 would improve things. She also said that a lot of people from South Africa are living in Portland, and that they all flock to her cart on the days when she makes lamb samoosas. I'm excited to try them after work.

Calcium Carbonate

2009-10-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Today I had a follow-up appointment with my naturopath. She said she had a few remedies in mind but she had a few questions first. She said this after I had been there for fifteen minutes..I thought my appointment was thirty minutes long, and that we were halfway through.

She asked, "What are your fears?" I can't remember what I said. Something like "saying the wrong thing?" probably. Or, you know, "having a worthless life?" She asked, "What are your interests and hobbies?" I said reading, literature, poetry, music, traveling, culture. "Why are they important to you?" Um.. because they express different ways of life, different experiences, they capture one moment or one feeling and create meaning (and stuff, I guess)...? She continued with stuff like: How do you feel about animals? Have you had any experiences with homesickness? Tell me about that. Was there anything in your childhood that was particiularly difficult? With every answer she would ask, "And what is the worst part about that?"

(I'm saying this to a woman I have only met one time before. I am sitting across the desk from her, she's staring at her laptop screen and typing. I've started staring at the floor and speaking more quickly and softly. I'm pausing to say "I don't know" and ending my sentences as questions. In between my answers I sit for a minute or more while she stares at the screen and then asks me another question.)

After two hours she decided on a mineral remedy: Calcarea Carbonica, or Calcium Carbonate. When I got home I typed "calcium carbanate homeopathy" into google and found the most insane website ever. It just has a huge index of ailments that can be treated with calcium carbonate, that sort of reads like a James Joyce poem from hell.

For example:
Same disagreeable idea always arouses from light slumber
Starts at every noise; fears that she will go crazy
Horrid visions when opening eyes
Ideas crowding in her mind prevent sleep
generalities; sensitive; intolerance of clothing;
cough; when playing music; playing piano; ;
mind; emotions, feelings, attitude, disposition;
boredom, dissatisfaction (see loathing of life); weary of life
(see boredom, dissatisfaction, loathing, etc.); while perspiring; ;
mind; desires, wants; desires to be mesmerised;
mind; emotions, feelings, attitude, disposition; sensitive,
oversensitive; horrible things, sad stories, affect her profoundly;

Other websites were simpler and said things like "flabby, sour smelling."

Maybe it's all bullshit (I don't really think that) but I've been in a tired and crappy mood since then (sad stories affect her profoundly). I've been focusing on this quote--“The strangest and most fantastic fact about negative emotions is that people actually worship them.” (P.D. Ouspensky)--and you know, trying not to do that. ESPECIALLY because I want to focus on doing stuff and stuff I like, not my mind; emotions, feelings, attitude, disposition; unhappy; sadness, mental depression;.

So after my appointment I made roasted autumn vegetable soup that ended up looking like turnip puke. Then I skipped my Spanish class and then I was mean to my sick boyfriend. Then I got in my car and had about six drags from a red Fantasia and listened to Robyn and drove to work. Now I'm sitting here drinking coffee and thinking the TS ELiot line from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock in my head over and over again--
"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."